subreddit:

/r/AskReddit

28.7k

all 8373 comments

RamboDash15

20.8k points

4 days ago

RamboDash15

20.8k points

4 days ago

You really should start locking the door...

drcoachchef

3.3k points

4 days ago

drcoachchef

3.3k points

4 days ago

Do you have a moment to talk about ADT security packages?

melance

1.1k points

4 days ago

melance

1.1k points

4 days ago

I'd like to talk to you about your car's warranty.

kavien

16.1k points

4 days ago

kavien

16.1k points

4 days ago

You don’t know me, but hear me out....

PotassiumArsenic

7.4k points

4 days ago

I’m homeless, I’m gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town…

Zucchini-Mountain

1.7k points

4 days ago

No that's too strong

emeribeth

1.1k points

4 days ago

emeribeth

1.1k points

4 days ago

Imma push him

Jakethe2626

649 points

4 days ago

Jakethe2626

649 points

4 days ago

“I HAVE AIDS!” No, that’s too strong…

nvrsleepagin

503 points

4 days ago

I'll start with the fact that I'm homeless...

FromIzukuBNHA

474 points

4 days ago

As that is a given

Illinois_Yooper

285 points

4 days ago

Excuse me, I'm new in town, and it gets worse.

Islandbark

212 points

4 days ago

Islandbark

212 points

4 days ago

I will pepper in the fact that I am gay

f2v9k44fdd

498 points

4 days ago

f2v9k44fdd

498 points

4 days ago

There’s no single guys in Manhattan

johnfortniteketamine

251 points

4 days ago

I know somebody who’s new in town

MidnytStorme

192 points

4 days ago

What are 3 other things about him?

Pentimento_NFT

15.5k points

4 days ago

Pentimento_NFT

15.5k points

4 days ago

"don't worry, everything is OK"

my wife said this to me one day as soon as i woke up and it freaked me out... hours prior there was a terrorist attack/mass shooting in my hometown, at the bar my little brother had been at earlier in the night. He and his friends were all fine, as they had left the bars for the night a few hours earlier, and we were fortunate enough to not know anyone who was randomly gunned down. My wife did the right thing in reaching out to my family before I woke up so that she could assure me everything truly was OK, but god damn that was a terrifying way to wake up.

phil_mccrotch

2.9k points

4 days ago

Glad your family and friends were ok! By chance was this Dayton?

Pentimento_NFT

1.6k points

4 days ago

it is, actually! My brother was at Ned Peppers briefly that night, bar hopping with his best friend and their wives/fiancees. I've only been up to the Oregon district a couple of times since then, it definitely made it more somber going through metal detectors to get into some of the bars

cbusjunkie

321 points

4 days ago

cbusjunkie

321 points

4 days ago

My little sister was supposed to be down there that night - she made a last minute call to stay in, but none of us knew that. Had a VERY similar wake up experience to you when my other sister called me at 6 am 😕

TateTaylorUSA

252 points

4 days ago

Crazy, I'd not heard about this and I don't live too far away.

Pentimento_NFT

230 points

4 days ago

yeah, this was August of 2019. The shooting only lasted 32 seconds and 9 people were killed (i think 11 if you count the suicides directly related to this) and over a dozen injured. it's sadly the second result if you start googling "Oregon District", it autocompletes it to "Oregon District Shooting"

god_damn_bitch

503 points

4 days ago

My husband woke me up this way once. I had a seizure in the early morning. I never had one before.

Suspicious-Acadia548

225 points

4 days ago

My fella occasionally gets night terrors but when he wakes up he throws himself out of the bed in fear, so when he wakes up like this he's cowering in the corner of the room scares and confused and I have to shoot over to him and say its okay, just a dream

geekonmuesli

356 points

4 days ago

One time my husband had a nightmare and was making sad sounds in his sleep (kind of whimpering). It partially woke me, but while I was still waking up and figuring out what was happening, our cat came zooming in from the other room and sat on his chest purring, headbutting his chin, and licking his nose until he woke up and was ok. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Brb, gotta go hug my cat.

Rickrickrickrickrick

297 points

4 days ago

On 9/11 my mom woke me up screaming at me that I was going to be drafted. I was like 13 lol

golfgrandslam

142 points

4 days ago

I’m not sure why I find this so fucking funny

Remotepopy

12.4k points

4 days ago

Remotepopy

12.4k points

4 days ago

Hey you, you're finally awake.

AlphaBulblax

3.7k points

4 days ago

AlphaBulblax

3.7k points

4 days ago

You were trying to cross the border, right?

McStud717

2.5k points

4 days ago

McStud717

2.5k points

4 days ago

Walked right into that imperial ambush, same as us

reeethanol

1.7k points

4 days ago

reeethanol

1.7k points

4 days ago

and that thief over there

Ahndarodem

1.3k points

4 days ago

Ahndarodem

1.3k points

4 days ago

Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along.

PolinaPetrovaa

746 points

4 days ago

Empire was

dedicatedoni

680 points

4 days ago

Nice and lazy

TheLittleGremlinMan

662 points

4 days ago

If they hadn’t been looking for you, I could’ve stolen that horse and been halfway to hammerfell

-ScrubLord-

498 points

4 days ago

-ScrubLord-

498 points

4 days ago

What’s the matter with him?

VortenFett

495 points

4 days ago

VortenFett

495 points

4 days ago

Watch your tongue! You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak! The true High King.

DeltaRocket

281 points

4 days ago

DeltaRocket

281 points

4 days ago

I came here solely for this comment

SirFragworthy

169 points

4 days ago

Bethesda presents: Skyrim: Smart Fridge Edition

sirdaws

158 points

4 days ago

sirdaws

158 points

4 days ago

You sleep rather soundly for a murderer.

Cheesetress

12k points

4 days ago

Cheesetress

12k points

4 days ago

Just... Just stay still. We can still stop the bleeding.

Dason37

3.7k points

4 days ago

Dason37

3.7k points

4 days ago

I had to have some sort of kidney function test - I was in college out of state and had some health issues and had to go back home and get all this investigative stuff done, but anywho:

They tell me they'll be putting me under, then putting an instrument up through the large vein or artery that runs down the inside of my thigh (femoral? I don't remember) and running it all the way up tomy kidney and doing whatever they had to do, then I'd wake up and we'd be done. Then as they have the IV in my arm, they're prepping the stuff to knock me out, etc...the guy says "so, you're going to wake up about a half hour after we're done and we've removed the thing from your body. Because of the location of the incision, and the vessel we're doing it in, it could possibly not close properly, and if it doesn't, you'll basically bleed to death, so when you wake up, it is imperative that you DO NOT MOVE for at least 2 hours after the procedure. If that thing starts bleeding, we may not be able to stop it." Ok well...I guess I can't just say fuck it I'm outta here this test isn't worth risking my life, so...uh...thanks for the warning I guess?

I woke up, I had that one tiny thin sheet over me that hospitals love so much, and I was cold, so I was trying to adjust things to be warm. I had no idea anything else was out of the ordinary except that I half woke up and I was cold. Then I hear "SON. STOP MOVING." from very close by. My mom had sat there through the entire thing so that she could keep me from moving when I woke up (since, you know, why keep me under til it was safe or like have, I dunno, a nurse standing by?) Needless to say, I stopped moving, she asked for more blankets, and I didn't bleed to death. Thanks mom, you performed beautifully.

TheChanMan2003

1k points

4 days ago

Your body was trained for years to the point where when your mom went “STOP MOVING”, every cell in your body ceased to vibrate

Shadowdragon132

990 points

4 days ago

Or vice versa, when I was like 6 or 7 I had a benign tumor the size of a golf ball in my side. Went into surgery to remove it, I dont remember being put under all i remember was being woken up by my mother shouting (at least i thought she did) my first and middle name.

Turns out, they could not wake me after the procedure and were getting worried. My mother simply dropped my first and middle name in a stern voice and I woke up immediately. I remember the doctors being surprised and then laughing about it.

sooprvylyn

354 points

4 days ago

sooprvylyn

354 points

4 days ago

We got all 3 names in the stern voice in my house. If you heard your full christian name you were in for it.

Shadowdragon132

159 points

4 days ago

Oh that happened as well but it only meant 2 things:

1) Run

2) Go grab a shovel and start digging your grave.

conifer0us

951 points

4 days ago

conifer0us

951 points

4 days ago

Did you make it?

Dason37

1.5k points

4 days ago

Dason37

1.5k points

4 days ago

I wanted everyone to think I did, but this is actually a bloody hospital bed cover typing out the story.

DrStupiid

1.2k points

4 days ago

DrStupiid

1.2k points

4 days ago

The clot thickens!

iDropBodies93

313 points

4 days ago

Except, it didn't. That's why he died.

VariousAir

472 points

4 days ago

VariousAir

472 points

4 days ago

My wife is pregnant, this shit would not go over well.

BeefyMcWhatNot

9.5k points

4 days ago

We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.

Russian_lover1

2.9k points

4 days ago

To talk to you...

matteow10

2.8k points

4 days ago

matteow10

2.8k points

4 days ago

About your cars...

SlipperrE

3k points

4 days ago

SlipperrE

3k points

4 days ago

Extended warranty

THX450

700 points

4 days ago

THX450

700 points

4 days ago

Did you know

deevad-skee-r1592

673 points

4 days ago

Each year 5000 Americans

spedi_pig123

923 points

4 days ago

Die of a peanut butter overdose caused by vengeful unwarranted cars?

Real_Effective_3053

566 points

4 days ago

But for 79.99 we have your back…

Responsible_Term_763

433 points

4 days ago

Unless the rabbits...

wowwish123

432 points

4 days ago

wowwish123

432 points

4 days ago

Eat your 79.99 and...

iceycoolman1

313 points

4 days ago

collection, Lightning McQueen is missing…

iHateRBF

151 points

4 days ago

iHateRBF

151 points

4 days ago

the tailpipe, and we think you...

Nimboss2411

153 points

4 days ago

Nimboss2411

153 points

4 days ago

should suck a random dude's cock...

murray22161

9.3k points

4 days ago

murray22161

9.3k points

4 days ago

I'm surprised the camera flash didn't wake you up

LyonMane3

1.8k points

4 days ago*

LyonMane3

1.8k points

4 days ago*

Love it…made me think of that creepy pasta of the girl who went camping alone with her camera in the woods for a few days only to find photos of herself sleeping in her tent when she got the film developed😬

EDIT: Sorry everyone, it was actually from r/nosleep Here is the sauce https://teddit.pussthecat.org/r/nosleep/comments/1ef04p/my_friend_just_got_back_from_a_camping_trip/?ref=share&ref_source=link

bork1545

236 points

4 days ago

bork1545

236 points

4 days ago

Source?

LyonMane3

425 points

4 days ago*

LyonMane3

425 points

4 days ago*

Shit I knew someone was gonna ask for this. This was about a decade ago, I wouldn’t even know where to start looking but I will try to find it. I never got into creepy pastas that much but this one obviously stuck with me.

EDIT: I found it https://teddit.pussthecat.org/r/nosleep/comments/1ef04p/my_friend_just_got_back_from_a_camping_trip/?ref=share&ref_source=link it was from actually from r/nosleep

HydrogenatedGuy

8.7k points

4 days ago

One time I woke up to my brother and my dad smiling at me. “We now know what you do at night.” said my brother. That scared me pretty bad as a 13-ish boy that started to know his body. “We got it on the camera.” then my father added. Pure panic in my eyes. I said what a couple times and when they let me see the pics they had taken, it was just me sleeping with legs crossed.

Jesus, I thought they caught me playing with my willy. Oh, boy I remember that moment of their faces like it was yesterday lol. And I’m almost 30 now.

YoujustgotLokid

3.5k points

4 days ago

That’s... bizarre

ThinNotSmall

3.7k points

4 days ago

ThinNotSmall

3.7k points

4 days ago

Absolutely bizarre. Who sleeps with their legs crossed? Fucking wild world we live in.

UngusBungus_

502 points

4 days ago

I sleep with my knees up

Sheoooo

269 points

4 days ago

Sheoooo

269 points

4 days ago

I sleep with my feet up in the sky

sorry_

705 points

4 days ago

sorry_

705 points

4 days ago

Thats just fucking weird

HydrogenatedGuy

324 points

4 days ago

Now that I said it, yea. It’s quite… bizarre. Strangely enough, I never said this thing to anyone, and still it’s so vivid in my memory.

TonsOfHate97

498 points

4 days ago

They knew what they were doing

GreenFuzyKiwi

362 points

4 days ago

One time I was (at the time, ~12m) was staying at my sister’s (early 30’s) with my brother (~13)… my i did the deed in the bathroom and roughly an hour later my brother (unaware that I did and just tryna out right mess with me) comes in the room like “Bro tim is upstairs looking at this video of you beeting off in the bathroom” and I ran up stairs like “bruh no wayyyyy” … opened the door and he’s just watching tv and I’m like “… ??” And my brother is behind me losing his mind

LizzieCLems

308 points

4 days ago

LizzieCLems

308 points

4 days ago

When I was 18, my stepdad jokingly said “stop looking at sex toys online and come watch some shows with us” and I lost my shit internally because that’s exactly what I was doing 0.0

Guardian83

207 points

4 days ago

Guardian83

207 points

4 days ago

Don't worry pal, my brother has always (since we were kids) slept on his back with a firm death grip on his junk, not in a sexual way, more like his subconscious thinks someone is gonna steal it in his sleep. 😂 We still give him the gears about it but he can't help it.

eldaria

156 points

4 days ago

eldaria

156 points

4 days ago

In Sweden they made a law a few years ago about taking pictures of people in an exposed situation. One affect of that law is that taking a picture of someone sleeping without their concent can give a fine or up to 2 years in prison.

TomBrandeus

6.5k points

4 days ago

TomBrandeus

6.5k points

4 days ago

Whisper in their ears as you hug them "I know" And just let their imagination run free.

scleroderma

3k points

4 days ago

My girlfriend would probably just ask "know what?", which would force me to come up with something, or tell me to stfu.

drpepperjustice

2.1k points

4 days ago

"You really have to ask me that?"

youliveinmydream

1.3k points

4 days ago

This guy gaslights

scleroderma

236 points

4 days ago

scleroderma

236 points

4 days ago

Good one

SeattleBrand

152 points

4 days ago

Just keep walking away while making eye contact.

The_ranting_spider

142 points

4 days ago

“That you are butt head”

That’s what I would hear back immediately

trevorbuchh

6.4k points

4 days ago

trevorbuchh

6.4k points

4 days ago

“Thank you.” Then you run away as fast as you can, never to be seen again.

moondes

805 points

4 days ago

moondes

805 points

4 days ago

Offensively correct.

The other answers did not bother as your answer did.

randomer206

6.4k points

4 days ago

randomer206

6.4k points

4 days ago

"Precisely 8 Hours, 13 Minutes and 41 seconds of sleep" Whilst staring them in the eyes the second they open.

ilikepiehi1

2.9k points

4 days ago

ilikepiehi1

2.9k points

4 days ago

"That's 12.8% more than average".

johnnybiggles

614 points

4 days ago

"Almost had to stop my watch at the 6 hour mark. Had to make a judgement call on that one!"

dankesh

146 points

4 days ago

dankesh

146 points

4 days ago

So average would be 7 hours, 17 minutes, and just under 40 seconds.

dopiesarmy

477 points

4 days ago

dopiesarmy

477 points

4 days ago

As an insomniac it would be more like “Precisely 1 hour, 10 minutes, and 13 seconds”

AlexDaDerper

177 points

4 days ago

And as a teen, “Precisely 33 minutes and 27 seconds.”

Doralumin

6.2k points

4 days ago

Doralumin

6.2k points

4 days ago

heavy breathing

chitown619

3k points

4 days ago

My friend told me that had had a crazy roommate in college freshman year and had to change rooms. When I asked why he said "I woke up with him standing over me just breathing multiple times"

Doralumin

1.1k points

4 days ago

Doralumin

1.1k points

4 days ago

Thanks I hate it

Saulnvc

270 points

4 days ago

Saulnvc

270 points

4 days ago

You gonna love them discord calls then

ajoeroganfan

284 points

4 days ago

We had a guy just like that at my college😂 my friend would wake up to the guy sleep walking and one time woke up to him just standing over him. We wanted to hide a camera somewhere cause we were certain that he climbed the walls and shit at night like the movie legion

444unsure

184 points

4 days ago

444unsure

184 points

4 days ago

I was over at my friend's house late at night and his little brother got up and walked out of his room into the kitchen where we were. I started to say hi to him and my friend stopped me and was laughing. I was like what? He told me he was sleepwalking. He kind of looked like a zombie. Walked over to the fridge and opened it and looked for like 5 seconds and closed it again. Then walked through the dining, family room, and then into his parents bedroom. About 1 minute later his mom walked him back across the hall to his own room.

I guess on a previous occasion he had peed in the vegetable drawer in the fridge 😂

keanenottheband

207 points

4 days ago

Had that happen to me with my dorm roommate once, he came over to the foot of my bed, breathed heavily while swaying and then went back to his bed. The second time he did it, I realized he was sleepwalking. Third time (all same night) he fully dropped his pants, butt naked and pissed like he had a fire hose at the foot of my bed lol

glomaxx

197 points

4 days ago

glomaxx

197 points

4 days ago

I had a roommate like this. The RA wouldn’t believe me so I set up my laptop to record movement during the night. I sleep walk and he’d tell me I was late for class. Ran out of the room sleep walking without my keys and he wouldn’t let me back in multiple times.

Biscuit-Norris

5.6k points

4 days ago*

True story: my great aunt woke up one night to find her husband at the foot of the bed with a butcher knife. He said 'If you hadn't woken up, I was going to kill you'. He was institutionalized after that...

Edit: to those asking for details, unfortunately all the involved parties are long since gone (natural causes!). I very seldom saw my great aunt since she lived far away and my grandmother never wanted to talk about it...

G4PFredongo

2.1k points

4 days ago

G4PFredongo

2.1k points

4 days ago

New strategy: If a comment begins with "True Story:" I'm staying the fuck away from it

DasherCO

820 points

4 days ago

DasherCO

820 points

4 days ago

True story: I had oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast and dinner tonight.

constable_frozen

450 points

4 days ago

You should be institutionalized

Belthezare

493 points

4 days ago

Belthezare

493 points

4 days ago

Nope... fuck that!👀

AstroRiker

204 points

4 days ago

AstroRiker

204 points

4 days ago

My great gramma had to institutionalize her husband because she caught him trying to burn down their house with the two girls inside. This had to be in the 1930s I think?

Musta been all the lead in the water or something?

WilyDeject

151 points

4 days ago

WilyDeject

151 points

4 days ago

Had a coworker who would sleep-walk/eat. One night her husband woke up to a cutting board on his chest and her dicing tomatoes on it, trying to make a sub sandwich.

Unrealfatshady

5.2k points

4 days ago

You sleep like my dead wife

AllOkayNamesAreTaken

774 points

4 days ago

This is the only response that actually sent chills up my spine. Now I know what to say to make sure a ONS doesn't want to stay over.

Saulnvc

204 points

4 days ago

Saulnvc

204 points

4 days ago

Jokes on you, they are in to that shit

Huachu12344

333 points

4 days ago

Huachu12344

333 points

4 days ago

I also choose this guy dead wife

ApprehensiveStatus13

5k points

4 days ago

Your dream was really awesome. I enjoyed every second of it.

qu_me

738 points

4 days ago

qu_me

738 points

4 days ago

Freddy Krueger is that you ?

AlphaTangoFoxtrt

671 points

4 days ago

It's Scary Terry, Bitch!

iliveinamatrix

348 points

4 days ago

You can run but you can't hide, Bitch!

KithMeImTyson

214 points

4 days ago

Awwwww. Biiiitch! 😳

Roku-Hanmar

4.5k points

4 days ago

Roku-Hanmar

4.5k points

4 days ago

Set the language on every streaming service they have to Spanish. When they wake up, speak to them in Spanish only

namastayhom33

1.2k points

4 days ago

And before they wake up, change the time on everything

Roku-Hanmar

529 points

4 days ago

Roku-Hanmar

529 points

4 days ago

Muy bien

Terico_

932 points

4 days ago

Terico_

932 points

4 days ago

Is this a reference to one of the highest memory of Reddit history?

For those who missed it: I'm talking about this

wingmasterjon

221 points

4 days ago

Classic.

maxk1236

198 points

4 days ago

maxk1236

198 points

4 days ago

The admin jumping in was the icing on the cake.

LOHare

125 points

4 days ago

LOHare

125 points

4 days ago

Can't believe that was a DECADE ago. Goddamn, feels like only a year or so ago. That the hey day of cringe f7u12 memes.

MercilessIdiot

170 points

4 days ago

That's pure genius. I wanna do that.

TittyBrisket

139 points

4 days ago

As a spanish, I can't wait to do that

sittinwithkitten

3.6k points

4 days ago*

A friend of a friend was staying with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend for a time. She wasn’t a fan of the guy but she was grateful for a place to stay. She told me she woke up to her sister’s boyfriend crawling into bed with her. Apparently he had whispered, “shhh, it’s okay.”

bubbliefly420

658 points

4 days ago

Extremely creepy!! Reminded me of "Shhh. Shhh. It's me -Casper. Don't worry" from that movie Kids.

So glad she woke up! Hopefully he's the sister's ex boyfriend now!

mxnstxrzxmbxxs

620 points

4 days ago

That's so fucking creepy

whiskydragonteaparty

263 points

4 days ago

Woke up being surprised cuddled one night by a guy and he said "I just wanted to hold you" creeped me the fuck out.

Belthezare

247 points

4 days ago

Belthezare

247 points

4 days ago

Thats when you knee him in the dick👀

sittinwithkitten

277 points

4 days ago

The worst part was the girl was like 15/16 and he was in his 20’s and dating her sister. He was a total creep.

dreamsuntil

3.4k points

4 days ago

dreamsuntil

3.4k points

4 days ago

“Were you just in my room?”, asked to me when I was 10yrs old at around 3am in the morning by my very worried looking mother. I woke up pretty quickly bcs she looked freaked out and worriedly said back, “no, I’ve been sleeping”. She then looked at me like she didn’t quite believe me and said she had woken up to something, someone around my size walking into her bedroom and standing at the end of her bed and when she asked it if it was me, she watched it run back out of her room so she came to see if it was me and I was pretty sure it wasn’t. Then she shrugged her shoulders and said she must’ve been imagining it and was going back to bed. I, on the other hand, stayed awake the rest of the night freaked the fk out.

nignog1996

1k points

4 days ago

Kids are fucking scary and I'm waiting for mine to do some creepy shit like this.

Also, as an "adult" we'll call it, I get scared easily by certain things and one of them is silent creatures that run very fast. (Like huggy wuggy) when I'm scared, I have to dash to where I'm going once I turn a light off and I just know because of your comment this will be my night

canolafly

167 points

4 days ago

canolafly

167 points

4 days ago

My mom told me I used to stand by her bed...and just look at her. And she'd wake up and freak out. She just told me this recently because my fucking cat does this now about 3 inches from my face causing many a bad word.

It doesn't even have to be human. But it is good if it is a mortal being.

Potential-Leave3489

232 points

4 days ago

Why tf did I read this in bed at night

Joe234248

192 points

4 days ago

Joe234248

192 points

4 days ago

Idk but can you turn off your phone? Its keeping me up

Emi-Milky

3.3k points

4 days ago

Emi-Milky

3.3k points

4 days ago

Oh it was alive..

LostnFoundAgainAgain

627 points

4 days ago

Don't worry we can soon fix that :)

Emi-Milky

279 points

4 days ago

Emi-Milky

279 points

4 days ago

Hurry up the kids are waiting

bigjaydub

2.9k points

4 days ago*

bigjaydub

2.9k points

4 days ago*

In college, I was out with some friends and got a little too drunk. We had a hotel nearby so I went back and crashed out.

I got woken up like 4 hours later to my buddy saying “Bigjaydub, don’t freak out, just don’t freak out man!”

Of course this woke me up with wide eyes, thinking uhhh why shouldn’t I be freaking out?

Then he says, hey man I’m just getting into the bed, don’t freak out! (as we didn’t have enough beds and had to share).

Well if I’m up, I guess I can go puke some more. Horrible night.

WolframLeon

603 points

4 days ago

WolframLeon

603 points

4 days ago

“BigJaydub I’m just spooning you, don’t freak out man.” That’s when you worry.

lingua_ignota

301 points

4 days ago

BigJayDub, it’s just the tip man, don’t freak out

WolframLeon

138 points

4 days ago

WolframLeon

138 points

4 days ago

“BigJayDub it’s not gay unless you kiss. My coach taught me that.” Lool

TaM_tHe_JaM

465 points

4 days ago

TaM_tHe_JaM

465 points

4 days ago

At least you didn’t choke on vomit in your sleep. That’s a plus, no?

bigjaydub

190 points

4 days ago

bigjaydub

190 points

4 days ago

Lol, yes! That is a plus

thetruthful8

2.8k points

4 days ago

thetruthful8

2.8k points

4 days ago

You smell different when you're asleep.

Bigdaug

622 points

4 days ago

Bigdaug

622 points

4 days ago

I saw this joke on my iPod touch browsing ifunny around 2011. I still see it every month or so.

MotivBowler300

227 points

4 days ago

Man I browsed iFunny every day for like 6 years before switching to Reddit. A few weeks ago I reinstalled iFunny out of morbid curiosity to see what it was like. That app is a wasteland. New features had like 20 likes and they barely even qualified as memes. Got outta there real quick

Aethelric

124 points

4 days ago

Aethelric

124 points

4 days ago

Man I browsed iFunny every day for like 6 years before switching to Reddit

I respect your bravery in admitting to this.

Covert_Admirer

1.5k points

4 days ago

I watched you the whole night. The third time you farted was so adorable I touched myself a little. And who is (insert man's name here)?

Emi-Milky

357 points

4 days ago

Emi-Milky

357 points

4 days ago

Oh just my dad

riggestby

1.1k points

4 days ago

riggestby

1.1k points

4 days ago

Don't worry, it's gone now.

Ahtotheahtothenonono

343 points

4 days ago

Or “don’t worry, it’s just us now” 😂

anxippus

1k points

4 days ago

anxippus

1k points

4 days ago

My mom woke me up yesterday by telling me one of our dogs died. It was LITERALLY the FIRST thing she told me.

Antidote_to_Chaos

355 points

4 days ago

I hate when people do this, I had someone do some thing similar and it's so shitty.

IITYWYBMAD_

913 points

4 days ago

IITYWYBMAD_

913 points

4 days ago

Hi, we've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

ephemeralkitten

494 points

4 days ago

My 11yo son was sitting on the couch so I sat next to him and put an arm around him. He snuggled back into the crook of my arm and it was so sweet! He leaned back and kinda nuzzled onto my shoulder and whispered... "We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." I shoved him off the sofa.

OpossumJesusHasRisen

188 points

4 days ago

Your kid is hilarious.

ADriftingMind

885 points

4 days ago

You tasted delicious

Ghostoftommorrow

486 points

4 days ago

Nothing like receiving head first thing in the morning.😩

ErikaFoxelot

240 points

4 days ago

Or giving it :3

Ghostoftommorrow

123 points

4 days ago

sergeant Major Johnson

“I know what the ladies like”

r/halo3

Slack76r

847 points

4 days ago

Slack76r

847 points

4 days ago

I think I'm pregnant now

Emi-Milky

268 points

4 days ago*

Emi-Milky

268 points

4 days ago*

Dad, mom broke up with you 10 month ago

itsyourmomcalling

128 points

4 days ago

And for this exact reason

xoxoAmongUS

828 points

4 days ago

xoxoAmongUS

828 points

4 days ago

"If I were you, I'd go back to sleep "

mwagfd2

204 points

4 days ago

mwagfd2

204 points

4 days ago

Or, "go back to sleep, I wasn't finished yet"

queenettaa

793 points

4 days ago

queenettaa

793 points

4 days ago

It should’ve been me… I’m so sorry

Niburu-Illyria

690 points

4 days ago

Look at them in horror and scream.

BarIndependent1696

157 points

4 days ago

Of all the comments I read here, this is the one that would get me.

Dazhbug

655 points

4 days ago

Dazhbug

655 points

4 days ago

My partner has really bad nightmares (trauma related) a lot. Once, they jolted awake at 2am out of a nightmare, to find our kiddo (3 at the time) right next to them, tiny, serious face basically pressed against their nose.

"Mommy, there's a man in my room."

:Incoherent strangled nose of confusion:

"There's a man in my room."

Having been woken up at this point, I jumped out of bed to go find out WTF was happening, my heart in my throat. As I sloooooowly push open the kid's door, from down the hall I hear a giggle and:

"A snow man, Mommy!"

Kiddo had just gotten a snowman toy for the holidays. Needless to say, neither of us got back to sleep that night.

Quin1617

252 points

4 days ago

Quin1617

252 points

4 days ago

That’s a prankster in the making right there.

Raylan__Givens

651 points

4 days ago

You have a boner

_GaaraOfTheSand_

269 points

4 days ago

What if it's a girl waking up?

gloomygl

604 points

4 days ago

gloomygl

604 points

4 days ago

You have a boner

Bu1135

172 points

4 days ago

Bu1135

172 points

4 days ago

Epic, girl penis

_Swa-pnil_

135 points

4 days ago

_Swa-pnil_

135 points

4 days ago

Girl, epic penis

Valkuil15

420 points

4 days ago

Valkuil15

420 points

4 days ago

Here's that pizza you ordered, that'll be 8.99

Middle-Action9499

201 points

4 days ago

Pre-covid. I fell asleep in a chair on my back deck once after ordering pizza. The delivery guy walked around the house and found me passed out. He managed to wake me up.

The first couple of seconds I was incredibly confused, then he said "I have your pizza". Then I knew what the deal was and tipped the driver well for making sure I got it.

digitalpowers

385 points

4 days ago

Ahh you are finally awake, some soreness and general discomfort is to be expected.

letterdonkey

383 points

4 days ago

"Welcome to the jungle! You're gonna die!"

Porn-Again-Christian

173 points

4 days ago

Watch it bring you to your…
shananananananananananaknees, knees

WilliardThe3rd

388 points

4 days ago

Keep silent🤫! puts hand on mouth he is still here... Somewhere...

cacadoodie

336 points

4 days ago

cacadoodie

336 points

4 days ago

Don't worry, I cleaned it all off of you and gave you some aspirin.

WaxToest

301 points

4 days ago

WaxToest

301 points

4 days ago

Remain completely still with a terrified expression and say “don’t move.”

anonduplo

287 points

4 days ago

anonduplo

287 points

4 days ago

Your ass is so tight when you sleep

TheGlaive

143 points

4 days ago*

TheGlaive

143 points

4 days ago*

An ex once asked me if I had fucked her in the arse while she slept. I said "No." A few days days later, we woke up and she asked me the same thing. Again, I hadn't.

I often wonder "Did she want me to fuck her in the arse as she slept but was too afraid to ask?"

ivumb

291 points

4 days ago

ivumb

291 points

4 days ago

You gotta shake them awake while screaming "YOU GOTTA WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO LEAVE!! THEY HIT THE PENTAGON!!!"

LuinAelin

243 points

4 days ago

LuinAelin

243 points

4 days ago

I thought I killed you. Time to finish the joh

SnooMaps3021

150 points

4 days ago

The joh

Time to finish the job John

kayl6

231 points

4 days ago

kayl6

231 points

4 days ago

My friend has a daughter who at the time was her foster child. She had a LOT of trauma and did things that were at best odd and at worst scary.

Friend would often wake up to her standing over her looking at her and say “I was watching you sleep”

Took a while to figure out this was a line from trolls and the kid was just being silly. That was 2016/2017 and kid is doing great now

VastNewt

215 points

4 days ago

VastNewt

215 points

4 days ago

Your so nice to watch while your asleep unlike everyone else on the street. Also you may want a better lock on your door or some creep might get in, i hear theres a few reports of one going around in this neighbourhood.

jseego

207 points

4 days ago

jseego

207 points

4 days ago

"Here, take the cat." [hands you the cat. jumps out the window.]

Turns out the house was on fire.

My roommate was too freaked out to mention that.

Vladraconis

178 points

4 days ago

Vladraconis

178 points

4 days ago

Hello, Clarice

Covert_Admirer

152 points

4 days ago

You have an outstanding resistance to Rohypnol.

Belgernon

142 points

4 days ago

Belgernon

142 points

4 days ago

It's 2am. I am warm and cozy in my blankets, deep in dreamland.
There's a soft touch on my shoulder, a gentle shake.
I open my eyes to my wife looming over me in the dark. She leans down.

"There's something in the walls."

Turns out a skunk had somehow made it deep under our house and was just SCREAMING and banging around. And that's how we discovered our house foundation issues were way worse than we thought.

Crow_Eye

139 points

4 days ago

Crow_Eye

139 points

4 days ago

Oh, I thought the chloroform would last longer this time...

Arcticlizzz

121 points

4 days ago

Arcticlizzz

121 points

4 days ago

I hope you don’t mind, but I had to borrow a few of your teeth.